Phrases that open a repair
Fifteen things to say when an argument is going wrong, what each one does, and what none of them will do.
- conflict-repair
An argument that ends badly is not usually the one nobody won. It is the one nobody stepped out of.
A repair attempt is anything either of you does to stop an argument getting worse: a joke, a question, an apology, a hand on an arm. The idea comes from John Gottman's observational studies of married couples, who were recorded arguing in a laboratory and watched for what happened next. That work is widely known and it is also contested for how strongly its predictions have been reported, so read what follows as phrasings worth trying rather than as a technique with a promised result.
Say them in your own words. The first few will feel staged, and that passes.
Ask for a pause
When the volume is rising and neither of you is listening any more.
- Put a time on it
- A pause with a time on it reads as a return. Without one it sounds like walking out.
- Say what the pause is for
- It answers the question your partner is about to ask, which is whether you have given up.
- Come back when you said you would
- The pause only works a second time if it worked the first. Returning on time is most of what makes it usable again.
Can we stop for twenty minutes and come back to this?
I want to get this right and I cannot right now.
I am back. Where had we got to?
Concede something true
Not the whole argument. One piece of it you actually agree with.
- Give the part you agree with first
- Conceding a fact is not conceding the argument, and it stops both of you defending the same ten seconds.
- Separate your delivery from your point
- It lets you apologise without withdrawing what you meant, which is what stops people apologising at all.
- Take the share you honestly have
- Claiming more than your share to end it faster buys quiet now and resentment later.
You are right that I said I would do it on Tuesday.
The way I said that was sharp. The thing underneath it still matters to me.
My part in this is that I went quiet instead of saying something.
Ask instead of assume
A lot of recurring arguments are two people answering different questions.
- Ask what they meant, not what you heard
- It is a real question only if the answer could surprise you.
- Ask for the want under the complaint
- A complaint describes what went wrong. This asks for what was wanted, which is the part you can do something with.
- Check what kind of reply is wanted
- Answering the wrong one is how a supportive reply turns into a second argument.
When you said that, what did you mean by it?
What would have made tonight feel better to you?
Do you want help with this, or do you want me to hear it?
Say the soft thing
The sentence under the argument, said out loud, usually lowers it.
- Name the feeling without the verdict
- Say what it is like for you. You never help is a verdict, and a verdict gets defended.
- Say what you are afraid of
- The riskiest line here and the one most likely to end the argument. Say it only when it is true.
- Ask for one thing, now
- A small request can be answered. A large one becomes the next argument.
I feel like I am doing this on my own.
I think I am worried that you have stopped caring about it.
Can you sit down for a minute?
Afterwards
Repair is not only what you do while it is happening.
- Come back to it once, briefly
- One short return, not a rerun. Reopening the case is a second argument with a delay on it.
- Say what you will try, not what they should
- You can only promise your own half, and it is the half that will convince them.
- Notice a repair when it works
- A repair attempt nobody acknowledges is one nobody makes twice.
That went badly last night. I do not want to do it that way again.
Next time I will say I need a minute instead of going quiet.
Thank you for stopping when I asked.