Three coffee meetings. Both families want a yes by Sunday.

Three coffee meetings are done. Your mother has already asked twice what you think. His family has called hers. Someone has said, "Sunday is a good day to give an answer."

You sit with your tea going cold and ask yourself a quiet question: do I actually know this person?

That is a fair question, and it deserves a straight reply. Three meetings can tell you some things. They cannot tell you everything, and it helps to know which is which before Sunday.

What three meetings can tell you

Three meetings are short. Perhaps six hours in all, and much of it spent being polite. Both of you are showing your best side, which is natural and not a lie.

Still, a few things do show up, even in a polite hour.

How does the other person speak about their own family? How do they treat the waiter? What happens to their face when you disagree about something small, like where to sit or what to order? Do they ask you a question and then actually listen to the answer?

These are small observations, and they are only observations. They are not proof of anything. One tired afternoon can make a kind person look distant.

What three meetings cannot tell you

They cannot tell you how this person handles money when it is tight. They cannot tell you how they behave when their mother and your mother disagree. They cannot tell you how a bad week looks, or how an apology sounds.

Coffee cannot show you these. Neither can your parents, or the aunty who arranged it. If a sentence in your head says "I just know", treat it as a feeling worth noticing and not a fact. If a sentence says "I cannot tell", that is an honest answer, and it is not a failure.

The pressure of a Sunday deadline makes the honest answer feel wrong. It is not wrong. It is just early.

Asking for time, without it sounding like a no

A family can easily hear "we need more time" as "we are saying no politely." So the sentence matters. It should say that you are serious, give a reason, and offer a next step.

This is a sentence you can use, in your own words, with your parents first:

"We both want to give this a proper answer. Three meetings have been good, and we would like two or three more before we decide. Can we tell them we will answer in three weeks?"

Then say the same thing to the other family, through whoever is carrying the messages. Keep it short. Do not explain doubts. Do not list what you are unsure about. You are asking for time, not defending a position.

One thing to try this week

Before Sunday, ask for one more meeting that is not a coffee shop. A walk, a visit to a market, an errand together, an hour with no family hovering. Anywhere you can see how the two of you work through something ordinary.

During it, ask one question and then say nothing for ten seconds after the answer: "What was the hardest month of the last year, and what did you do?"

Listen to how the answer is told, and not only what it says. Notice whether you feel at ease or whether you feel you are being managed.

The silence will feel long and a little awkward. That passes. Do not decide anything that day. Go home, write down what you saw, and look at it again the next morning.

Where this note stops

This note is for two people who are free to say yes, no or not yet. It does not apply if you are being pressed, threatened or controlled into an answer, or if you feel afraid of what happens if you say no.

This is relationship education, not therapy or medical advice. If any part of this describes what is happening in your relationship, a qualified professional or a local support service is the right next step, and not an article.

A next step

Each Sunday: one question to ask your partner, the research behind it, and one thing to try. The free Relationship Checkup is open to everyone, any time: take the Relationship Checkup.