Whose parents get Diwali this year?

Diwali is close. Nobody has asked whose house this year.

You both know the date. You have both seen the family WhatsApp group start to fill with plans. Her mother has already asked, twice, whether you are coming. His father has sent a message that says only, "Let us know." And at home, the two of you say nothing about it. You go on eating dinner and talking about other things.

That silence is not neutral. It is a decision, and it is being made for you.

How the plan gets decided without anyone deciding

When a couple does not talk about where the festival will be, the plan does not stay empty. Something fills it. Often it is one of three things.

The first is last year's plan. If you went to his parents last Diwali, the default this year is that you go again, because nobody has said otherwise. The second is the loudest request. Whoever phones first, or phones most, or sounds most hurt, ends up with the festival. The third is the partner who gives in. One of you says "It's fine, wherever" in a flat voice, and the other takes that as an answer.

None of these is a decision you made together. Each one hands the choice to habit, to pressure or to the person who minds less out loud. The partner who gave in may not have stopped minding. They may only have stopped saying it, and that can come back later, in a small fight about something else.

This is anecdote, not research: in many homes the argument about the tickets turns out to be about something else.

Why it feels so hard to raise

It feels hard because the question is never only about logistics. Under "whose house" sit other questions. Whose family comes first. Whose mother will be disappointed. Whether you are being fair to each other, and whether being fair even means splitting it evenly.

So each of you waits for the other to bring it up. You tell yourself it is too early, or that the other person will say something soon. A week goes by. The tickets get more expensive. The WhatsApp group gets louder. Now the question has a deadline and a price attached, and it is harder to ask calmly than it was three weeks ago.

The fix is not a long talk. It is asking early, with a small question that does not accuse anyone.

One thing to try this week

Pick a time that is not rushed. Not late at night, and not while one of you is leaving for work. A weekend evening with chai on the balcony is better than the car on the way to a wedding.

Then say this, in your own words:

"Diwali is coming and we have not talked about where we will be. I do not want it to be decided by default. Can we each say what we would like, and then work it out?"

Then do three things.

Each of you says what you would like, with one reason. Not what your parents want, and not what is fair. What you would like, and why it matters to you. One or two sentences each. The other person listens and does not answer yet.

Then name the real constraints. Leave days, the cost of travel, whether an elderly parent cannot travel, whether someone is hosting for the first time. Say these out loud so they are on the table, not hiding behind a mood.

Then pick a way to decide, not only a place. You could alternate years. You could split the festival, one day in each home. You could choose a different rule altogether, such as the parent who is alone this year. Any of these can work. What matters is that you chose it together, and that you say when you will tell both families.

Before you end that conversation, agree who tells whom. Each of you tells your own parents. It is kinder, and it stops one partner being cast as the person who said no.

What the first try feels like

Expect it to feel a little stiff. Saying "I would like" out loud, about your own family, can feel selfish at first, especially if you have spent years saying "anything is fine." You may notice a tight feeling when your partner names a different wish from yours. That is not a sign the talk is going badly. It is what it feels like to find out you want different things, which is the thing the silence was protecting you from.

If you cannot agree in one evening, that is allowed. Say when you will come back to it, and keep that time.

You are not trying to win the festival. You are trying to make sure that, for once, the plan was something you both said yes to out loud.

Before you go

Each Sunday: one question to ask your partner, the research behind it, and one thing to try. The free Relationship Checkup is open to everyone, any time. Take the Relationship Checkup